I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
