When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
