I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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