i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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