i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
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Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
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Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize