nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
