Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
