I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
