I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
