Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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