my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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