you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
