Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
