Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
