i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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