i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
