I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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