ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Sorry about my life...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
