Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
