Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
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did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
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I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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