It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
