Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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