bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
