Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
