yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
