Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
