it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
