i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
