I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
