i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
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Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
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i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?