I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.