Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"