after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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