Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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