I accidentally had phone sex last night
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
