someone threw a dead crab at me
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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