The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
