I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
