so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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