she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
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He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
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The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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