You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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