o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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