Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You took a bar mat shot.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
