well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
