He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
