watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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