Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
