I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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