Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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