i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
