Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
