So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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