after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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