Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
