please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
