Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
