for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
