I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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